Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
