Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
