"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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