pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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