I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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