She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
