I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
