not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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