I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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