masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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