tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
