Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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