So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
