i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
