I accidentally burped into my bong.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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