I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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