my phone needs a breathalizer
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
