So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
