highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
