Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
