on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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