i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
