Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
