Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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