Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
