is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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