i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
