I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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