I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
