Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
