yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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