My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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