I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
