That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
