70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
