Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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