i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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