shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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