How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
