...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
