Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
