I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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