look no pants
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
