Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Are we still banned from the library?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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