And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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