I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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