hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
