even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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