Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
