Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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