My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
