my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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