I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
the raccoons are back...
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