can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
